If you’ve listened to the show for any length of time, then this post is going to be complete review. But if you’re trying to figure out what’s what on TS, let’s see if we can’t give you a hand.

Tim

Tim was born in San Diego at a very young age, and has been of below-average-height ever since. As if compromising for an inability to defend himself physically, Tim has developed an uncanny ability to piss off even the nicest of people.

Tim was schooled by fine institutions, though the institutions no longer acknowledge an affiliation.

The founder of Turnip Soup, Tim retains the official show title of “technology operator bitch.” To this day, there has never been an episode of Turnip Soup that did not feature Tim.

Parker

Born on January 14, 1979 in Minneapolis, Minnesota, Parker was clearly a product of the 70s. At an early age, Parker dressed in leisure suits and platform shoes until just before he turned 1 year of age, when he traded in disco pants for Miami Vice jackets and skinny ties. It did not take long for young Parker to learn how to crawl and walk shortly thereafter.

Upon completing graduate school at MIT, Parker married his longtime girlfriend Betsy and moved to San Diego, California where the two reside with their two daughters today. Parker yearns for Oreo cookies and hates manatees (aka – floating pieces of sh*t).

BM (Bryan)

Born November 1st (All Saints Day) 1979 in Tarzana, California. Bryan is an only child and son of Rosemary and Rene Ruiz.

Most of his childhood was spent in southern California between LA and Orange County, where from early on he took a liking for bicycles. Bryan rode bicycles for a long time, and was really good at it. He was so good at it that the original bio he provided was all about bikes.

If this were a site about bicycles, his bio would have been perfect. You’d be interested in knowing that he kicked butt in a bunch of bicycle races in the States, then lived in Chile for a while, and rode some bikes there. Eventually the dirt roads made bike riding unpleasant in Chile, so he switched to rugby.

If this were a rugby site, you’d be interested in…nevermind.

NutZach (Zach)

NutZach was born wearing Adidas Gazelles, a fresh Puma jump suit and a beanie ready to flip flop rock all up on ya. His wide variety of knickknacks and crazy legs acrobatics helped him fit in to his humble beginnings in California. However, his heart yearned for the open country side and lake life of Minnesota.

The sweet smell of tractor grease and hay would trigger a cowboy calmness that could only be seen on his monthly vacations out to the mid west to bail hay and teach others the hip hop lingo, like “yeaah booieee” and “sugar wanna get a cookie?”

Sarah

Sarah Ann Strang was born on the banks of the mighty Mississippi River in Dubuque, Iowa. The daughter of Nancy, a school secretary and Steve, a farmer, Sarah grew up on a sprawling and picturesque farm in Cascade IA. Her childhood was spent mostly indoors, playing Barbie’s and listening to Kenny Rogers, Neil Diamond, and Michael Jackson records.

Sarah proved to be an exceptional athlete with amazing coordination and speed. She was involved in one sport during her high school career, cheerleading. After graduating from high school she attended St Ambrose University to follow in the footsteps of her older brother, Jason. She eventually earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in English Literature at University of Iowa (Go Hawks!) with an emphasis in preparing specialty coffee drinks. She has traveled all around Europe, spending one year studying in Hull, England.

Eric

Raised on the mean streets of Malibu, California, Eric escaped a life of childhood criminal activity by taking his brand of roller blade dancing all the way to the top. The top being a rough-neck, blue collar high school in Washington, D.C. With the culmination of four years at one of the nation’s toughest man-child proving grounds, Eric found himself face to face with the difficult decision of going to the University Of Florida on a badminton scholarship or pursue a life of celibacy at the United States Naval Academy. He chose the latter and proceeded to rock Annapolis Maryland like a Kiss Concert. Legend has it that at the end of his four years, he took his diploma and commission from the Secretary of The Navy, gave him a two dollar bill and said, “It’s for the effort, just to let you know you’re doing a great job.” After completing the appropriate conduct remediation period, Eric hit the Navy’s fleet right in the nut sack. After 10 seasons in the Navy’s league of Surface Heroes, Eric was traded to a shipyard in San Diego for three reams of printer paper, apump overhaul kit, and a sailor to be named later. As the man behind the woman behind the people behind his Shipyard’s marginally compliant Export Compliance Program, Eric was identified as a blue chip player immediately by the Turnip Soup crew.

Asian Tim (Tim)

Timothy Patrick Xavier Lee exploded into the world on August 16, 1985. The son of Barbara, a lovely Southern woman who worked in hospitals, and Bernard, an executive for a prestigious Manhattan marketing firm, Tim was raised in Black Rock, Connecticut. As the saying goes “as curious as a cat” , Tim followed this creed by lighting a bag of leaves on fire (in the driveway of Chicky Ruger of Ruger Guns), flooding his basement, cutting off branches to a rare Japanese maple in his front yard, and painting the trim on his father’s classic car. When his parents would go out, Tim would be known to transform into a modern day super hero. Putting on every coat in his house he would run around screaming “I’m Jacket Man”, throwing the coats off one at a time until he was completely naked and then chasing the babysitter. Tim’s other alias was “Butter Man”, who would appear in front of the refrigerator and rub sticks of butter into his head while yelling “I’m Butter Man”…..and then chase the babysitter. This earned Tim the nickname of “Psychopathic Demon Child” within in the babysitters circuit. Tim attended Fairfield College Preparatory School where he excelled in being a ladies man. After graduating from Fairfield Prep he received his bachelor’s degree in Engineering from TIT (Throggs Neck Institute of Technology). While at TIT (a.k.a. NY Maritime), he traveled the world on an old steam ship where he studied how to boil water. He graduated and immediately moved to San Diego, where he is working on his golf game and portfolio.

Redneck James

Hatched on September 20, 1981 in San Diego, ca. Redneck James earned his name by learning how to spit chew over 6 feet by his first birthday. Being the younger brother to “Turnip” proved to be challenging. Despite all he had against him, roguishly good looks and a natural ability to charm sheep, Redneck James eventually became a contributing member of society. He is now married to Mrs. Redneck Sheena and has an awesome son Ryker.